Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Today is another one of those days...

that I just miss her! I have NO clue why today?...It just happens...Every so often mom will come to me in a dream...and every dream ends the same way...and although I don't remember what happened last night...I am pretty sure she was there (why else would I be so upset this morning) In every dream that I have ever had about her since she departed this world almost 9 years ago, (I know, you would think that I wouldn't still have these moments, but I do!) We are always at a place that we must leave from..one time it was the park, one time the store, different people's houses, etc...and EVERY TIME we are getting ready to leave, I ask mom if I can go with her (ride in her car, walk home with her, get on the same plane with her, etc...) and her response has always been the same..."Kim, You KNOW that you can't go with me, but I am okay and we will get to the same place, eventually!" I know that mom understands that I have always been the worry-er and so she thinks its necessary to remind me every time that she is okay and one day we will be re-united! This morning when I woke up, I was fine...until we got and the car and starting on our daily journey into town..and K-Love (contemporary Christian station) played a song by Stephen Curtis Chapman (who recently lost his daughter ,Maria, in a tragic accident) "Yours" in which he added another verse after experiencing such horrible loss...

I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you.

And I lost it...I started thinking about losing mom and how much she has missed since she left...How I long to pick up the phone and tell her about Brenly being able to go under water..as long as she has goggles :), or about Avery cutting her last molar, or about Jenni's test coming out negative for MS or a brain tumor, just everyday stuff that I want to talk to her about (and in my own mind...Mom knows all these things...We just can't converse about them!) ...As I am cryin, driving down the highway, Chris Tomlin's song "Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone" comes on...This song is special to us because it is one of the first songs that Brenly recognized on the radio and quickly learned the words to it (or what she believes to be the right words) and sings it often

...So often that I look back and Avery (my 17 month old) is trying her hardest to sing all the words, ones that she has certainly learned from her big sister...The first two lines of the chorus are

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God , My Saviour Has Ransomed me...

And all Avery knows to sing is...
blah, blah, blah eeeeeeee
blah, blah, blah eeeeee
(substitute all blah's with whatever baby babble you would like)

and then I started crying even more (this time they were happy tears)..at the fact that my 17 month old is trying her hardest to worship the Jesus that we have taught her to love...(I would love to tell mom that story!) because my momma taught me the very same thing!

So the start of my morning was rough...missing mom is never fun, but my tears quickly changed from sad ones to happy ones...For we are teaching our children about our Jesus, the One who loves us in spite of our mistakes, the One who is constantly with us no matter what, the One whose timing is perfect (whether we like to believe it or not), the One that Brenda Deaton spent her 50 years loving and living for, even until her very last breath. Because of momma and what she taught me, my girls are worshipping Him like only children know how...with all their hearts! I was reminded this morning that even though I have walked through the darkest valley in losing mom, there is ALWAYS that great comfort and hope in knowing this is not the end! And the fact that one day...All of us with be reunited with "granny in heaven"! Praise the Lord! There is no way that you can be sad about that!


Misty LaDean said...

OH MY GOSH I am crying all over the place... well, tearing up! Between you and MiMi today- I think yall are trying to convert me to a "cry-er"!

Shannon said...

Didn't know I was going to be balling my eyes out right now. Kim you are the strongest person I know. You inspire me. You are living just they way God wants and I am so proud of you and that you are my friend. And that is the sweetest dream ever that your angel comes to you and reminds you that she is ok!

Wendy said...

WOW, Kim! I am lost for words and yet so very encouraged by you and your actions - thank you for sharing such a personal journey - I am so very blessed to have you as my friend!!! Also, I am sorry you had a sad morning, but glad it went to happy :-)!

Renee said...

Thanks for sharing that story with us Kim! I'm sorry for your sad morning, but so happy to see how God changed your day and sent a wonderful reminder. I know your mom looking down from heaven and is so proud of the wonderful woman, wife mom and friend you are! :)

Amy said...

I am so sorry you had such a rough morning but at the same time so relieved to hear that I am not alone. It's hard sometimes because there aren't very many people our age who understand what life is like without your mom by your side. Reading this brought tears of complete and total understanding to my heart. I have been exactly where you are, and I had dreams so similar to your own. I just have to remember that one day we will be together again.

Kress Smith said...